I recently spent a weekend afternoon crying after I made a series of bad decisions that though I knew they were going to blow up in my face horribley I was still surprised and shocked when they did! Because I’m an imbecile and looking for ways to distract myself from the pointless minutia of life through self inflicted suffering, I guess. Anyways I can’t really get into how or why this plays into some of my personal shit because that is something I need to talk about with my therapist and then with my psychiatrist but I used to think I liked old people. Hell, you may even remember that I devoted an entire column to it!!! And it wasn’t just a momentary thing either it’s been a theme throughout my life, I’ve always developed bizarre kinships with people anywhere from twice to like literally 5 times my age.
A few months ago the glass shattered or whatever you would say. I went to go visit my grandparents who I hadn’t seen in like a year or two and was truly SHOOK by how old they were. Walkers and shit it was all very depressing. THEN I came back okay and went to go visit my sweetheart Kenny at Shopsin’s I get there and the motherfucker isn’t there! He’s had some sort of accident and is at a nursing home which his children bamboozle me into going to. So I bamboozle Amy into coming with me and we look the bleakness of existence right in the face at this truly horrifyingly death-affirming nursing home. We finally find Kenny after I’ve been traumatized severely enough by the smell of old people and soup and he is just not having it and keeps mentioning death. Anyways this is followed by literally two weeks of similar events in which geriatrics are all confiding in me their desire to die and the pointlessness of human existence which in case you can’t tell is not a sentiment I need more of in my life.
So I’ve spent the better part of the last few months trying to reevaluate my relationship with old people and especially old men as I work through a very specific set of daddy issues (the more you know!). These are the movies that kind of represent where I’m at right now which obviously involves a movie where you have to watch Steve Buscemi have sex with a teenager.
Surprisingly I didn’t really like this movie but honestly it could be because I identify with Enid more than I’d really like to. She’s mean, crass, and has huge tits! Plus she mistakenly tries to find some weird emotional solace in fucking Seymour which was truly one of the most disturbing things I have ever watched on TV.
A chavvy British teenage girl gets freaky with her mom’s boyfriend which is a fucked up power dynamic involving a middle aged man preying on a girl that is still going through puberty. It’s essentially a more gritty and less poetic Lolita.
Basically Lolita except the dude waits until she’s legal. Tristana (Catherine Deneuve) is adopted by a creepy but seemingly “””intelligent””” old dude who makes her his pseudo-wife/girlfriend/concubine for a few years. She eventually leaves but things go downhill from there anyways.
These kids have never met their grand parents and then just go visit them solo and basically!!! It’s a horror movie so I won’t spoil too much but this movie SPOKE TO ME. I didn’t meet my maternal grandparents until I was like 16 and did it alone and even if dealing with old white people is hard at least you know it’s not this.
A young hot blonde who is about become a nun is pressured into visiting an uncle she doesn’t really know (he’s actually the same creepy old dude from Tristana) before she fully joins the nunnery. She doesn’t really join the nunnery (not a spoiler ok—this happens pretty early in the movie) and instead just kind of deals with a bunch of different weird and shitty men for a while. The movie also came out in 1961 and has a pretty wild ending considering it’s time period, and any really.