Film column by Tamim Alnuweiri.
Halloween aka THE PURGE is coming up. I never fully “got” Halloween (and still don’t really tbh) until last year when Amy and I started thinking of it as purge night. So it’s just an idea and I will never be able to smite my enemies (my purge list) the way I would like to but through a combination of snide comments and social media posts, you too can be the literal devil.
ANYWAYS when October rolls around I don’t really have any other basic bitch urges other than my need to watch spooky shit. For some reason though, finding a movie that will actually make you shit yourself and keep your lights on at night, is hard to find. Below are some movies that made me, and could make you (if you’re lucky!) soil yourself. So happy hallows eve!!!!
Also in case you thought out, she obviously left out some movies, I should watch The Boy, DO NOT DO IT, I watched it thinking the trailer made it look creepy as shit and it wasn’t. It was a fucking 2 hour long soap opera involving a girl who makes lots of long distance calls.
The Blair Witch Project
The first truly scary movie I ever watched, I didn’t sleep for months. I haven’t seen it since I was about 11 so I’m not sure how well it’s held up over time but my assumption is that it’s still fucking horrifying. I distinctly remember the end scene as the moment I realized that horror was infinite and relentless, and that god was dead.
The horror and terror of this movies has to do with exactly what you don’t see on camera—you don’t actually ever see a witch or a devil or whatever the fuck it is, but you feel it’s presence looming in dark corners. It’s also easy to forget now the profound impact the “found footage” style this movie had on horror and other genres.
Have you seen the new It yet? I saw it in theaters and we sat in the back in this really weird aisle against the wall, the area in front of us was the passage people used to go fro their seats to the washroom. Not that the minute details of my viewing experience matter other than to let you know there was a reasonable amount of stuff going on to hamper my suspension of disbelief.
I know some people were like “wah wah it’s not scary” but fuck you, it is scary! I don’t necessarily have a fear or prejudice towards clowns but that fucker is truly what nightmares are made of. It’s voice alone makes me want to recoil into my skin until my body is just a sack of flab and I am hiding inside it. Plus! the takeaway from the movie is that even if you manage to beat a child-eating blood thirsty demon clown, there are arguably worse terrors awaiting you in real life!
I’m not much into body horror and anything involving cannibalism makes me really naseous and queasy so I’m not entirely sure that this movie is “scary” for most people. For me though it hit that sweet spot of mild vomit and thoughts about death so maybe it’ll do the same for you. The French horror flick came out last year at one festival or another and if I remember correctly, severely traumatized everyone involved.
There’s only so many times I can talk about this movie. If you’ve been reading this column (or site!) for long enough, reading about Suspiria again will probably bore you to tears. For those who for some reason haven’t gotten their fill—it’s a 1970’s Italian horror film set in a German ballet school. Read more about it here and here.
I sleep in two twin beds (TMI?) and sometimes if I leave my laundry on the other bed and I wake up at night to go to the washroom I think it’s a body and I pee myself a little which is why I’ve only ever seen this movie once. Emily Browning is honestly a gem and I’m not sure why she’s not in more things because she’s always somehow demure but conniving and manipulative but you still root for her anyways which is a tough spot. Literally I don’t want to say anything else about this because this movie is all plot.