It’s the end of the year and it doesn’t mean anything other than I’m forced to think about the year that’s passed for no other reason than everyone else is talking about it. Also my birthday is in early January and I always make bad decisions towards the end of the year. So December rolls around and I’m reminded of all of the bizarre decisions I’ve made out of insecurity and panic.
This year has been overall horrible and trying and I hope there’s not another one like it in the near future, I don’t think I could handle it. But also things are fine I’m less anxious and self censored, more able to emote and less likely (or able) to lock myself in my room and wallow in pity and filth.
It also though has been not that bad ha ha ha. I feel like I’ve come into comfort with myself or at least I don’t feel the same need to exist in a plane of isolated self depreciation (not that I have abandoned that completely, it’s still part of my core being).
I keep going off on tangents but I’m trying to say I’m more willing or able to identify the moments of happiness and appreciation even though this has in a larger sense been a god damn dumpster fire of a year. Things are okay even when they’re not.
These are the things I find myself thinking about a lot these days.
Hank Wood & The Hammerheads Self Titled
This record has been slowly seeping it’s way into my subconscious. I think about those “uhs” while I’m sleeping and and every song on this record makes me wish I was smart enough to say what I mean.
The Haunting of Hill House
I’m the middle of five kids and my younger two siblings are a boy and a girl who while not twins were born close enough together that they sometimes seemed to have a bond the rest of us didn’t understand. My mom is not dead or haunting us but we’re all going through some shit with her so when I watched this I really just fucking bawled my eyes out for episodes on end. The ending of a horror show or movie can never live up to the set up but this one was really fucked up because it was so tender.
“Gary Gilmore’s Eyes” The Adverts
I fell into a k-hole trying to read up on what happened to The Adverts and former members of the band after their one release (especially Gaye Advert). This then brought “Gary Gilmore’s Eyes” back into the forefront of my mind and now I can’t stop listening to it.
Cold Meat Pork Sword Fever
I found this band recently while trolling around Static Shock’s website. They’re an Australian band which is surprising (I have not taken to liking any Australian bands so far!). They don’t have much out but their Pork Sword Fever EP is so fucking good. Everything about this EP is biting, snide and venomous.
I didn’t talk shit about this song exactly but I didn’t write a glowing review either. But Daughter and now Ex:Re really knows how to write a song that gets under your skin and makes you sad about shit that has and hasn’t happened. “Romance” is venomous and brought to the surface all of the venom towards failed half relationships that I’d accidentally numbed myself from.