How to cure a hangover
That’s me again. Woke up pretty hungover after this…
Oh Lawd Jesus, why do you never answer my prayers, when I wake up with that mean ol’ hangover demon sitting on my face? I have spent more days than I care to recount, wishing death on the friend that made me take those shots, or at least a time machine so that I might go back and have the strength not to take them. So what can we do? I think Nancy Grace told me to pray but she’s an asshole and I stopped praying after my dog died when I was six. Well, you could drink a glass of water after every drink. Hahaha. I guess you could always just not drink. Actually, I have tried that and it is pretty, fucking, miserable. So, forgoing the help of any illicit drugs, we must accept, there is no cure. Luckily, El Doctor White has a treatment plan.
1. Alka Selzter. I tried this one after seeing them use it in a episode of Mad Men. Just drop those two pills in water and watch them fizz. The package actual says, “For overindulgence in food or drink.”
2. Pedialyte. Forget Gatorade this stuff is like 10x more potent. Alcohol dehydrates you, Pedialyte hydrates you. Simple enough.
3. ASMR videos. Personally, the worst thing about hangovers is how numb my brain feels when I have them. Some genius realized the reason we all love Bob Ross so much is that his voice and brush strokes do something to our brains that kind of makes them tingle. Now there are hundreds of videos online dedicated to ASMR. These videos are kind of like a brain massage, and great for hungover numb brain. I personally can only listen to the unintentional videos. Here’s my favorite:
4. Do all of this in bed, if you can.
5. And like, masturbate, duh.
6. When all else fails: Listen to Brian Eno’s, Apollo, and wait for death.
Article by Timothy White. You can follow him on Twitter @TipToTheHip
