A few days ago, I took my first “float,” in a sensory deprivation tank, and if you have ever listened to the Joe Rogan Experience Podcast or seen the film Altered States, you know what I’m talking about. If you count yourself among the many who have not seen Altered States, do not be alarmed, for I offer you this brief description: It is a tank, filled with ten to twelve inches of water, massive amounts of salt [which allows you to float weightlessly] and a door to shut you off from the world as you float into eternity. After deciding to finally give it a go, I took to “The Google” to find the best or, more honestly, the cheapest place in New York City to have a float. After a few clicks I found Float Science on Forty-ninth Street just off Eighth Avenue, which offered a one hour float for eighty-five dollars. So yeah, it was still pretty expensive.
I arrived to my 3pm appointment twenty minutes early, swimsuit in hand, as instructed by their website. I was greeted by two friendly women and given: a robe, two towels, slippers and a pair of earplugs. Twenty minutes and a quick shower later, I stood before the beast, now for the first time, quite apprehensive. I was instructed that I could either leave the light in the room on, which would provide the tiniest bit of light into the tank or turn it off and enter the void. As six years in therapy would suggest, I decided to start with the light on. I entered the tank carefully and after shutting the door, held on to the handle so not to lose my way. After a minute of adjusting, I fell back and floated away. I floated this way for five minutes or so, looking up at the three holes above me, which were illuminated from the light that I had left on outside the tank. “This is just like ‘Great Adventure’ when you were a kid, don’t be a ‘mark ass trick,’ this time!” I sat up and felt for the door, exited the tank, hit the light switch and jumped back inside. I then took one last look at the light pouring out from the rooms door followed by a deep breath, sealed the hatch and drifted backwards.
As I floated bereft of sound or light I began to think, “What if they lock me in?” I quickly countered, “Nonsense Timothy, if they were capable of that surely someone would have mentioned it in one of the Yelp reviews you read.” I began to feel quite calm as I floated but then another thought entered, “What if someone comes in and trips, knocking themselves out and a bookshelf over, sealing me in this tank forever?” Again I countered, “Impossible, the room has no bookshelf!” Then I began to see something. It was a face! “Goddamn it?” I thought as I realized the face I was seeing belonged to Woody Allen. “Why now?” I thought. The face quickly vanished as my mind changed topics to my unemployment. “Relax, Tim!” I reminded myself that I had just applied to two jobs and also this week finished one of my best short stories.
After twenty minutes I finally felt myself floating aimlessly. I started thinking things like “You should be nicer to people. I mean, I know you’re already nice but don’t allow yourself those moments of dickishness.” Soon my mind had shut off and I began to see a blue light swirling in front of me. It sort of just rolled in front of me for a few minutes, like someone was turning a crank with this blue light attached to it. It slowly dissipated and I began to feel that I was floating in nothingness. “This is probably what Sandra Bullock felt like in that movie.” I thought. “You didn’t see that movie, Tim,” I quickly reminded myself.
I could no longer feel the water that I floated in. “Shit, maybe this is what death is like. It’s actually not so bad,” I thought. A warm drug like sensation began running through me, I cannot say which drug exactly because I had never felt it. The closest thing I could compare it to was the feeling that I have heard people describe having when being home and with loved ones. It was a warm, calm, comforting sensation with a touch of Vicodin. I kept feeling like I was leaving my body or just losing time but only for a second and then I was back. I may have just been falling asleep.
Suddenly I was sitting in the office of my favorite college professor as she gave me advice on graduate school. I said something inaudible and she replied, “Are you flirting with me, Timothy?” I told her I was and we began ravishing one another all over her office. The tanks door opened revealing the room’s light and my erection. My first float was over. It was an experience that I can best describe as, “Foreignly beautiful with an added erection.” Way to cheapen a spiritual experience, Tim.
Article by Timothy White. You can follow him on Twitter @TipToTheHip.